The Uncertainty of Falling

Grams and I wait on the deck...sun shining, hearts frantically beating as we each bear the anticipation in our own way...she chatting nervously, stomach in knots...me reading...petting Griffin the toy poodle...my back in knots...A blue Camery drives by...Grams is out of her chair. 

"Oh!  It's him!  He looks just like Jerry!"
(Her brother)

She called out to him as he drove by  "JERRY!!"
(His name is Tom)

Her stomach in knots, my back getting tighter...we move to the front door. 

The car passes by in the opposite direction, a blue streak bearing the most significant meeting of my life, and I suspect theirs as well...A man steps out, navy blue shirt, blue jeans, gray hair...the beard I know from the photos gone...I don't look at him at first...I don't know what's in my heart...all I can feel are the knots in my back...tightening and twisting...all I can think is "is this real or am I dreaming?"

He walks the path to the door, three pots in his hand...yellow daisies for me, red roses for grams and pink daisies for Aunt Cheryl...the knot tightens...I stand back as grams rushes her son...her excitement shooting out her finger tips and toes...the electricity of seeing an impossible dream come to life...I love the moment...the knot tightens...it's my turn next...

He looks at me...I hold back my heart as I move forward to hug him...is he real?  Is this happening?

I step back and look...I cannot speak...grams fortunately has the words I can't seem to find...I search his face for traces of me...traces of my brothers...traces of the face from the photos I carry in my heart...There is a faint similarity...but not enough to convince me...we move to the patio and sit down...the knot tightens...I smile and watch...the words still missing...grams says enough to carry my silence...he shares about his life...I listen...I watch...I wait...the knot tightens...

For a while he's not real...just a man I'm meeting for the first time...the significance of it completely lost...I cannot feel it...I cannot process past the knot in my back...I cannot fully feel the way my heart beats, the subtle shaking in my hands and legs...Griffin is in my lap...I focus my shaking hands on his back and legs and fluffy fur...maybe it won't be noticeable...

I watch his face as he speaks...the way the muscles in his lips curl and move...the subtle lifting of his eyes...the way they look back at me...I try to memorize the lines...I search for my brothers...I search for myself...He looks from grams to me...throughout the night I know he watches...I watch too...Moments I appear not to look I know his eyes are on me...I wonder what he sees...He says I look like my mom...I say I get that a lot...

His smile is real...it slowly sinks in that he is too...

Aunt Cheryl gets home, dinner is consumed...the stories begin...I sit...I watch...I listen...A history I've never heard...his and hers...the knot tightens...my heart flutters upward...slowly climbing like the moon rising outside the window...

His laugh is real...he is too...

I see it in his eyes...every second they spend on me...He wonders what I'm thinking...he regrets the lost years...the choices made...he rejoices that he's here...so do I...

So few days...so many years...the knot tightens...I already miss him...

Morning is close...a few hours of much needed sleep and then the day will be ours...his and mine...today was uncertain...tomorrow will be hard but beautiful...The knot loosens...my heart tightens...this is real...he is real...