Of Brick Walls and Black Holes

Tomorrow...

Sometimes change happens so subtly that one doesn't see it happening until it is full blown...and other times it hits you right between the eyes...a force to be reckoned with...turning everything inside you into an unrecognizable tangle of emotions, be it for better or worse....that's where I am...the brink of something so big, so overwhelmingly  massive that I cannot for the life of me actually take it all in...I feel as if I've hit a brick wall...I cannot process any further than I have...I'm looking at the future before me...one I never in all of my years ACTUALLY expected to see come about...and all I can do is stand still, scratching my head...wondering what the next step could possibly be...I cannot move another inch until tomorrow has come and gone and the shape of it starts to make sense out of the swirling mists of the unknown...Tomorrow is...

the abyss...

27 years is an awfully long stretch of time to go with so many unknowns...the past is impossible to make up for...all we can do is share stories and tap out the indecipherable codes that make up the lot of those years...the complete picture will never been seen again...but at least we will have the future...I cannot wait...I cannot even fathom the depths of what is running through me right now...How can one put to words 27 years of feelings?  How can one pinpoint a single thought or emotion when every single one is backed by so many years of them...

I knew early on that all of this was for something...there was a reason he had gone...there was a need to work through it, to find a way to let go...I knew I had to get past it...and one day I did...it was not alone...it was not easy...it was not fast...it took most of my life and sometimes more energy than I can even fathom having...but then, tomorrow is on the horizon...all of those years of hate and hurt and sadness and bitterness and longing and hoping and dreaming and fighting and forgiving and fearing and loving...and here I am on the edge of my brick wall...staring into the abyss and unable to think or imagine my way past it...I can only look into it...waiting...

WAITING...

WAITING...

One more sleep...then he'll be at my door...my dad...a stranger...but somehow not...27 years and all I can think is what if he doesn't want me? 

I think maybe my whole life has been wrapped around that one question...I can't help but feel like a little girl.  The second it was spoken "Your dad wants to meet you."  I was instantly 5 years old...asking a different form of that same question...back then it was "why" not "what"...I think that little girl needs to hear the answer...I think she always has...I think once she does, once I know I can finally...dear GOD please...finally step forward! 

When standing on a wall, facing an abyss and unable to find a way past it or around it...sometimes all one can do is

JUMP...

This is me rocking back on my heels, finding the spring between my ankles knees and thighs, and propelling myself forward, arms flailing, heart beating, palms sweating, brain spinning...hopes SOARING  into the center of that dark and formless void...I'll let you know how it works out....