I've never been good at pacing myself...all or nothing, now or never, life or death one extreme or another...he seems to be no exception, though I'm trying with everything inside me to just breath and take it one step and one day at a time...it seems I have no choice...the plight of life and the separation of different worlds, different jobs, different circles of friends...someday they may combine but for now his is his and mine is mine and there's no way to lace them together...He is there and I am here and we are both it seems thinking of the other perhaps more often than we realize...I think of him he lets me know...I like to think I catch him thinking of me as well...so new...so much to learn...so much to find...but how can one not love it...these maddening and precious days of discovery...whatever happens, this will only be a limited time offer...my knowledge will only be so small until it has either grown from a seed to a tree or been extinguished all together...dear GOD, please don't let it be the latter...I like this one!!!! His heart and the sweetness and the gentle words...the way his lip curls just so and he tilts his head before he speaks...all the little things that make him up...so many I still don't know, but a few I've learned and already cherish...that's got to say something right...
of course this is me...I always fall too fast, too hard...too far...But this time, I feel it might be different...even that I've said before...but never with so much fear that it won't be the truth...One day, one step, one moment at a time...I hate being patient...but I'm striving for it...I've wrapped a corset around my heart to keep it sucked in...chains and fetters and cages and layers and layers of close fitting fabrics to keep it at bay...but still it oozes out the sides...the true shape of it...like leaks in a bucket that cannot be corked...maybe that's the way it should be...a dam breaking free...a river raging it's windy way to the vastness of the sea...all the days that pass that I don't see his face...I think they could sap my last ounce of sanity...Silence all day...draining the life from my limbs... then his name on my phone...and I know he thought of me today...maybe he's afraid that I'll forget as well...and everything reminds me of him which always sets me smiling...as if I didn't do that enough...
funny how for years I refused to be any longer a "romantic"...I put that word behind me and refused to even consider it...but it never went far...always, just waiting, laying low for the moment I could not refuse it again...I cannot fight it now...I might, much to my other less sappy self's great shame, watch every chick flick I own...sigh...I suppose I couldn't run forever...
And here I stand...terrified that IF I take too many more steps forward, and IF you do the same, and IF we find ourselves standing very close indeed...the world might stop turning and everything freeze in its place...what then if you change your mind...and I'm left standing alone in a frozen world that no longer turns? I hate to think of such a scenario, but I will not survive it if I do not let it be a possibility now...at least here I can think it through and make myself remember that the world, if stopped once will start again...and you may wound me, but it won't be my death...I was raised to be stronger than that...but the thought of it now...with so much possibility so close at hand...I suppose I'd rather be a fool full of hope than let the fear of my heart torn to pieces stop me from walking toward you...
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