I feel it turning...the truth of it all...bubbling and boiling in the cauldron of my soul...I want to let it out...set it free on the wings it was born to fly with...but for now it stays in me...beating it's wings, seeking out it's escape...just building strength for the day it will rise above...I'm weary...exhausted from the fight...so many changes and so few days to let it sink in...this must be the way caterpillars feel in the chrysalis...aching to break free and struggle forth...to breath the air again...to be what they were created to be...so aware of the life just beyond the walls of their cocoon...but still not quite ready to live there...
Perhaps I've already broken the surface...I feel the wind...a change in the rhythms it plays on my skin and I know that this is a new world...a new life...a new journey...and all of the fears that folded me in before are no longer there...and all the fires I'd lit in hopes that maybe the darkness would stay at bay just long enough for me to find a way out of the caves I'd fled to for safety have burned to the end...the light is before me and I'm no longer in hiding...deep breaths and high hopes...
deep breaths...
high hopes...
deep...
and here I stand...the world before me like it's never been...the deepest fear I've ever known was slain in the black of the cave...and it's raining out my window...and still I can barely breath or whisper a prayer...because here my heart is so full of so much that I have no words to say...and little tears make trails down my cheeks and the songs in my ears speak of life after the fall and the beauty we find and the fears that destroy us and the lives that pass by us...and how we'll never forget, though it can't be forever...but these are the things that make up life...and through it all I carry more...the thoughts of my father...the impossible turning and the way things are...what to do with the aftermath of the moments we had together...I find my heart faltering...my resolve cracking day by day...exposing the depths of what really rests there...and it's not as ugly as I imagined and facing the things I feared most have brought the most freedom...and all of this swims in my head as I try to find my feet...but I can't see below the haze of all that's within me...sooner or later the air will let out and I'll be on firm ground...but for now I'm in between the firmament...floating and falling with equal abandon...
Soooo youre a poet , and do you know it?? I was going to say ,"why dont you write a book", but I realize ,you are. Sounds like you are "soul searching" I love that state of mind, have been there most of my life also. Think of you often and fondly, Peggy, your moms friend.
ReplyDeletei love you for all your winsome, extravagant, gut wrenching, truth seeking ferocity.
ReplyDelete"..and it's not as ugly as I imagined and facing the things I feared most have brought the most freedom...and all of this swims in my head as I try to find my feet..."
I hear you.