The little things that kill

I am amazed at myself lately...not in a good way...not necessarily in a bad way either...just awed at the places my thinking can go and my resolve can break into... few short months ago I know there were things I am willing to allow now, that I would not have dreamed of allowing then...but I sit here and I think about it...the place I was then and where I am now and I find myself questioning how far away I really was from it...and I know looking back, that I was closer than I would have thought...a lot closer...given the right opportunity and the right situation it would have all come down sooner...but it's here now...on the back of weeks of stress and change and newness that the jar was broken...lots of tiny unplanned but somehow carefully calculated baby steps that have created an entire journey to this place...I didn't know where they would lead, and now that I do I don't know how I feel about it all...

I find my brain split in two...one side fully disappointed, the other quite content...one side unwilling to go on with it...the other fully prepared...one side screaming to stop, the other standing with squared shoulders and a set jaw, determined to move forward...I realize that sounds a touch schizophrenic...but I think those are the 2 natures that battle within us...one knowing the right and one wanting the wrong...the redeemed and the fallen...the angel and the devil perched on our shoulders whispering in our ears...at this moment, I don't know which voice is louder...I don't know which is more convincing...I do know that there isn't much time to choose...and if I choose incorrectly...my world will be altered drastically...so...here I stand...leaving out details intentionally...but needing to be as vulnerable as possible...because this not a path I can walk alone...I know I need help...I know I need prayer and wisdom and love...so...throwing that out there...I'm not very good at asking for help...I hate it with everything in me...but...I know I need it direly.