My heart is over flowing...a fountain of joy and wonder mingled together gushing forth with new eyes and a beautiful new take on the world at hand...always hoping, never expecting or imagining this...so grand in its structure...the glory of love and life and everything one heart could ever desire combined with a second like minded heart...wonder does not fully express it...nor bliss or rapture or sheer joy...no description exists that will serve to capture what is beating within me...elation...that has been the word of late...and even that in its well rounded beauty does little justice to the depth I crave to express...the world should know this...wars would cease and wrongs be righted and all the woes that man brings to man would disappear in its wake...I thought I understood love before now...I imagined I had some sort of grasp on what it meant...it was all rational and supposed...but never this...never this abyss of beauty growing like orchids in a desolate place...
and here I stand...no longer an 'I' but a 'we'...so unfamiliar that word...the journey ahead, so uncharted but so desired...no longer two legs but four, walking forward, one day and one step at a time...a beautiful place to be...walking through this jungle of life to whatever beautiful end...and "happy" means something completely new...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
All That Glitters
It is an amazing thing to have ones perspective shifted so drastically...The view from where I stand is so different now than it was...I was happy before, in almost every area of my life, save one...and the happiness that has been added in these last few months, but especially these last few weeks, is beyond anything I ever imagined could be possible...My heart was already so full, and then this unexpected blinding burst of sunlight broke through and my heart was inundated with so much more than I conceived to be bearable for one heart...I have for years walked a path I thought was made of burning coals and scorching embers...but now I see it for what it was...the heat and the pressure and the fear that it would never work out transformed that path from the black and miserably dreary much loathed road to one sparkling and glittering like a thousand multifaceted stars...diamonds now pave it...priceless jewels that seemed mere stone before their true worth was revealed...and I cherish every step...as ugly and lonely and sad as they were...there were also times of joy unrecognized and promises made that this day would come, if only I would wait...haha...what choice did I have but to wait...after a certain length of time waiting is all that's left...and all the while my heart and his were being readied for the day our coal encrusted paths would meet...and that explosion of fire and light and truth and hope and love transformed the roads we walked...and now...the dark days behind us...life ahead...more life, better life...everything glittering and radiant...There is no where else I'd rather be...no other road I'd have wished to walk...and in the midst of waiting I hated the mantra "almost but not yet"...now I am so grateful for those days...and the words have changed to "this is why you waited"...and a heart this full cannot deny the beauty of such a thing...and it's no longer only mine...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
2 Steps and a Free Fall
I have been walking this path for a very long time...it has been straight and narrow u\and until very recently quite alone...others have come and kept pace for a while, speaking words of forever and filling me with hope that perhaps they would stay and continue on...only to unexpectedly an often without explanation veer away a leaving me limping for a while...and I fought the bitter weeds that attempted to entrench themselves in my heart...and I kept walking to shake them off...hoping and praying and aching all the way...and the path wound far from home and found me here...and immediately the path I walked was full...I was not alone...I had options...and options are not my favorite thing...especially when those options are attached to hearts that beat and break so easily...but each one came with something to offer and something to take...a first kiss...a raised bar...a kindred spirit...
First kiss...
so short the time we had together...and for the better...kissing you made me see what love is not meant to be...it is not hungry just to fill and does not look to steal and kill...willing as I was to be led to slaughter...thank God my heart screams louder and longs for more than filling voids with empty words and lusty pretenses...fire waited at the end of our road if it went any further...your disappearing act was the best thing I've ever seen, and I clutch my heart, thankful for a narrow escape...
Raised Bar...
You were there early on, your gentle laugh and easy heart...so full of sweet and quite thoughts...though deeper down perhaps there's more storm than I've yet seen...I thought it was you...I thought perhaps there would be no other ever to follow...and I was happy and so it seems were you...and the thought of hurting you kills me, but I know that it would hurt more if I were not true...so here now, walking with you, the horizon not so far away I have to smile and bid you adieu...no one is more surprised than I...and all the reasons why narrow down to one brilliant burst of sunlight that can't be hidden or talked away with the logic best employed in problem solving and decision making...for all of your pros...that list is infinite...the one con that stands against you is that you are not him...
And raised bar and first kiss never would have crossed my path if I had simply walked rather than doing something to" help" the process along...and it would have been easier to walk on without these two, but even in that I know they were for a reason...stepping stones to help me see...even knowing had I never met them, I still would have met him...
Kindred spirit...
And here's where it gets good...you were immediate...there from the start and instantly someone I knew I would love...though friendship was what I had in mind...but we talked...
and talked...
And Talked...
and talked...
and talked...
and we're talking still and your thoughts and your heart echo mine exactly...and everything I thought was just me is also so deep in you...the crazy, the fears, the hopes the tiny hidden moments that no one else sees or delights in...you see them you love them as I do...Talking to you I'm talking to the better part of my heart and I know that all of my hoping and striving and imagining, I never would have come up with you...because I could never imagine that you actually existed...and walls and ruins no longer exist...just a vast field with poetic trees and carpets of clover and wild flowers...and I knew without saying that my heart was yours and yours was mine...and tough it may not be what others see as wise, they will in time realize that there is and never could be anyone else...and all of the waiting and longing and hoping and crying and fighting and begging God and quitting, and starting up again and making it my job since he wasn't doing his, and all the while he was was doing more than I would any longer let myself believe...a single day sooner would have been the wrong timing entirely...but this...
And here's how it happened...we have spent our entire lives walking through the same dark haunted forest, though too far apart to know the other walked there beside us...we journeyed and toiled over sharp rocks and raging rivers...thickets of thorns, wild and ferocious beasts that thirsted for our blood...and years and years of stumbling along...striving to be happy and normal and what others saw as acceptable...but still, each of us carrying the burden of ALONE...vastly and infinitely so...with no real prospect of an end in sight...and then before our eyes...you where you walked and the path I now could barely stand on...a bright spot appeared...and I climbed to my feet and in the same breath we continued forward, unaware of one another...running now toward the light...hoping this end in sight was not some trick of the eye...you on your path and I...one last push, a branch slapped my face and then I was free...the imposing forest at my back...and I looked out around me...the path beneath my feet had disappeared as if I'd reached the end of he world...and out stretched before me was a wide field, golden and green...covered in flowers, the sun filtering through the clouds like spotlights...glittering the earth it touched...and not so far away to the left of me was a figure...and it moved toward me and I walked toward it...hoping it wasn't a trick, but so tired of the ALONE that I would risk my life to find out...and then without a word my hand was in yours and yours was in mine...your fingers dancing between mine...and we stood no longer alone, our backs to the forest... here in our open field of possibility...no longer alone...but free to build up whatever we desire...
And that's where I stand...no longer alone...though achingly apart...and there's no where else for me now...because there's no where else I'd rather be...and for the first time in my life I'm not wondering if I will always be alone...if there will ever really be someone out there who could handle me. haha...I always wanted to walk into a room and know...it wasn't exactly that, but almost...I know...
First kiss...
so short the time we had together...and for the better...kissing you made me see what love is not meant to be...it is not hungry just to fill and does not look to steal and kill...willing as I was to be led to slaughter...thank God my heart screams louder and longs for more than filling voids with empty words and lusty pretenses...fire waited at the end of our road if it went any further...your disappearing act was the best thing I've ever seen, and I clutch my heart, thankful for a narrow escape...
Raised Bar...
You were there early on, your gentle laugh and easy heart...so full of sweet and quite thoughts...though deeper down perhaps there's more storm than I've yet seen...I thought it was you...I thought perhaps there would be no other ever to follow...and I was happy and so it seems were you...and the thought of hurting you kills me, but I know that it would hurt more if I were not true...so here now, walking with you, the horizon not so far away I have to smile and bid you adieu...no one is more surprised than I...and all the reasons why narrow down to one brilliant burst of sunlight that can't be hidden or talked away with the logic best employed in problem solving and decision making...for all of your pros...that list is infinite...the one con that stands against you is that you are not him...
And raised bar and first kiss never would have crossed my path if I had simply walked rather than doing something to" help" the process along...and it would have been easier to walk on without these two, but even in that I know they were for a reason...stepping stones to help me see...even knowing had I never met them, I still would have met him...
Kindred spirit...
And here's where it gets good...you were immediate...there from the start and instantly someone I knew I would love...though friendship was what I had in mind...but we talked...
and talked...
And Talked...
and talked...
and talked...
and we're talking still and your thoughts and your heart echo mine exactly...and everything I thought was just me is also so deep in you...the crazy, the fears, the hopes the tiny hidden moments that no one else sees or delights in...you see them you love them as I do...Talking to you I'm talking to the better part of my heart and I know that all of my hoping and striving and imagining, I never would have come up with you...because I could never imagine that you actually existed...and walls and ruins no longer exist...just a vast field with poetic trees and carpets of clover and wild flowers...and I knew without saying that my heart was yours and yours was mine...and tough it may not be what others see as wise, they will in time realize that there is and never could be anyone else...and all of the waiting and longing and hoping and crying and fighting and begging God and quitting, and starting up again and making it my job since he wasn't doing his, and all the while he was was doing more than I would any longer let myself believe...a single day sooner would have been the wrong timing entirely...but this...
And here's how it happened...we have spent our entire lives walking through the same dark haunted forest, though too far apart to know the other walked there beside us...we journeyed and toiled over sharp rocks and raging rivers...thickets of thorns, wild and ferocious beasts that thirsted for our blood...and years and years of stumbling along...striving to be happy and normal and what others saw as acceptable...but still, each of us carrying the burden of ALONE...vastly and infinitely so...with no real prospect of an end in sight...and then before our eyes...you where you walked and the path I now could barely stand on...a bright spot appeared...and I climbed to my feet and in the same breath we continued forward, unaware of one another...running now toward the light...hoping this end in sight was not some trick of the eye...you on your path and I...one last push, a branch slapped my face and then I was free...the imposing forest at my back...and I looked out around me...the path beneath my feet had disappeared as if I'd reached the end of he world...and out stretched before me was a wide field, golden and green...covered in flowers, the sun filtering through the clouds like spotlights...glittering the earth it touched...and not so far away to the left of me was a figure...and it moved toward me and I walked toward it...hoping it wasn't a trick, but so tired of the ALONE that I would risk my life to find out...and then without a word my hand was in yours and yours was in mine...your fingers dancing between mine...and we stood no longer alone, our backs to the forest... here in our open field of possibility...no longer alone...but free to build up whatever we desire...
And that's where I stand...no longer alone...though achingly apart...and there's no where else for me now...because there's no where else I'd rather be...and for the first time in my life I'm not wondering if I will always be alone...if there will ever really be someone out there who could handle me. haha...I always wanted to walk into a room and know...it wasn't exactly that, but almost...I know...
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